by Maneater Johnson & Johnson

Riding on the coattails of the successful ban on reusable plastic bags in San Juan County, the county council has approved a ban on paper bags as well.

“In an effort to save trees, we have chosen to allow only canvas or patron-provided reusable bags,” said County Councilman Billbert Wigglesworth. “If you’re unable to bring your own reusable bag, then I suggest working on your juggling skills.”

Council noted a 1917 study by the University of Washington that stated each paper bag requires 18,829.4983 dwarf willow trees be harvested. The dwarf willow is a majestic tree that grows to a height of 1-6 centimeters tall.

Though Roger, the shrubber, said that it is, in fact, a shrub, the leader of the Knights of Ni said that it is not a shrub and that the tallest tree in the forest needs to be cut down with a herring.

But, I digress.

“This change will make San Juan County the first in the world to ban both plastic bags and paper bags,” said Council Chairman Rowdy Shrews. “It might sound a bit extreme, but we need to do what’s best for the county.”

The ban will take effect on April 1, 2017. Sheriff Rock Crabs has issued a statement warning there may be an increase in rogue sheep shavers trying to make a quick buck by creating reusable wool bags.

“Until now, we haven’t had many problems with people de-fleecing our local sheep, but we anticipate a steep incline following the ban,” said Crabs. “Ewe all be on the lookout for ramblers on the lamb.”

To learn how to juggle, contact County Councilman Jousting Svens.