by Rachel Newcombe

“I feel fat in this bathing suit.” “These jeans make me feel fat.” “I won’t eat the bread because it makes me feel fat.” And on and on. I am sure that almost all of us have said or will say, at some point in our life, “I feel fat.”

Guess what? Fat is not a feeling. Fat is an adjective. Fat, also known as triglyceride, is a molecule.

I am not on Facebook so I didn’t know the lowdown about something called an emoji. Just recently I started tweeting (that’s a whole other story) and read that in 2015 a campaign was launched through change.org along with Catherine Weingarten with Endangered Bodies to remove the Facebook emoji that allowed a user to click fat as one of the choices in describing how they were feeling. This emoji was a round, yellow chubby-cheeked, androgynous smiley face with a double chin. As Marc Maron would say, “WTF!”

Responding to the 16,000 people who signed a digital petition, Facebook took the emoji down and in its place created an emoji that says, “I’m stuffed.” Well, it’s a step in the right direction but I am not exactly sure stuffed is a feeling either.

If fat is not a feeling and we decide to abandon the saying “I feel fat” than what might we say instead? Well, there are lots of options but first it requires us to pause each time we hear ourselves say, I feel fat. Ask, what am I actually experiencing when I say this? Am I anxious, or sad, or angry or lost? Am I feeling envious or regretful?

The task is being able to identify what you are actually feeling if it’s not fat. It’s not as easy as it sounds.

When I was in social work school in New York City I attended a town hall meeting about women, their bodies, and eating disorders. Susie Orbach was one of the keynote speakers.

Orbach, a psychotherapist, one of the founders of Endangered Bodies and a co-founder of the Women’s Therapy Center in London, is the author of the 1978 groundbreaking book, “Fat is a Feminist Issue.” Orbach has been a stalwart fighter for understanding eating disorders and why a women’s body has become a measure of her worth. Orbach persistently fights to bring awareness to the endemic problem of women disliking their bodies.

At the town hall meeting the auditorium was packed with women telling stories about starvation, hating their bodies, and tormented relationships with food. It was sad and alarming.

It is thirty years later and I am still alarmed and sadden by how many of us still struggle with “feeling fat.” Facebook may have dropped the chubby yellow emoji but many folks, outside of cyber land, are still tormented.

As a woman, the mother of a daughter and a psychotherapist to all genders I know that how we feel about our bodies is a complicated relationship. Negative body image and body dysmorphia is not limited to a single gender. Although the conversation is more prevalent among woman all genders compare themselves to others. Just recently I was telling a group of people that in therapy, talking about food and bodies is often more difficult than talking about sex.

So what is to be done? It begins with an adult conversation. It requires courage to expose our fears and vulnerabilities about our bodies. I am not advocating for a culture of “TMI” what I am advocating for is feeling safe enough to speak with someone about your body and feelings that extend beyond how your body looks. People of all shapes and sizes utter “I feel fat” which is an indication that is not about one’s size. It’s an expression used in place of being able to identify a feeling.

In a 2013 “Daily Life” article from Sydney, Australia Susie Orbach was quoted, “Parents should reflect on their own eating, relationship to food, and their own anxieties because everything they do becomes a model for their children.” This is a gentle reminder that children take in everything about us, especially how we feel about our bodies.

I am inspired by individuals who are willing to talk and write about fat and bodies.

Roxane Gay, writer and cultural critic has a book coming out in June, “Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body.” And then there is the extraordinary Jennifer Pastiloff, writer, creator of manifestation.com and yoga teacher, (jenniferpastiloff.com) who conducts a retreat for girls ages 13 and up called “Girl Power: You Are Enough.”

I wish something like this had been around when I was in my teens because conversations about our bodies and what makes us feel powerful was scarce.

Maybe in place of “I feel fat” let’s ask “How can I become more of myself?”

Rachel Newcombe is a psychoanalyst on Orcas Island, Friday Harbor and Seattle.

June 2 is World Eating Disorder Awareness Day, #WorldEDAwarenessDay.