Margi Miles describes the closeness she felt with her two children as unbreakable. When they were younger, she placed her hands over their hands and they made a pact. It was a promise that held them together when the shadows passed overhead.

“Our code was transparency – that we would not hide anything from one another,” she said.

Throughout the years they talked about everything from drug use to childbirth to heartbreak. But in just the span of five years, Margi lost both her children and grandchild. And though she feels their spirits with her every day, she struggles with their physical absence, the sounds of their voices and the look of their faces radiating life.

“The pain is unfathomable,” she said. “The physical pain is obliterating … it’s so … perplexing.”

The early years

Margi looks back on the closeness she felt with her children as an unexpected gift from their father. Her husband was an absent figure in the kids’ lives and she felt like she was mainly raising them on her own.

“I got down on the mat of life with my kids and we started growing together,” she said.

Margi was the baker of bread, the driver to sporting events and the chaperone of proms. It wasn’t always easy, but there were plenty of joyful memories.

Living in California there were visits to the beach under sunny skies and trips to the Redwood forests, Yosemite and Disneyland.

As her children headed toward their pre-teen years, Margi moved the family to Blaine, Wash., close to the Canadian border. There she purchased acreage and horses.

Josh, her son, got thrown off his horse four times. True to his nature he got back into the saddle each time, but eventually went back to his main love of riding motorcycles.

Josh started riding motorcycles at age four. It became immediately clear to Margi that he was going to live life on the edge.

On the other hand his sister Jolee developed a love of riding.

“Jolee was in Heaven,” said Margi. “She was a horse whisperer.”

Jolee trained the horses herself and became the Whatcom County barrel racing and pole bending champion one year.

“She would be in the pasture in rain or snow riding bareback through the fields,” said Margi.

Their lives were idyllic, but a dark period was to come – forcing a series of events that would change everything.

Dark days

In her early teen years, Jolee gave up her love of horses, trading out for an adventure that included drugs and boys. Margi recalls driving into the underworld of Seattle and picking up her daughter. Three times, Margi came to her rescue, but on the last trip she told her daughter, ‘I will love you until I die, but I will not support these decisions any longer.’”

For five months, Margi heard nothing from Jolee. She spent her days in limbo checking the obituaries hoping to not see a familiar name. Then one day Jolee called and said she was pregnant. Margi was terrified knowing that both of the parents were drug users.

“But when Marlee was born she was a perfect miracle baby,” said Margi about her granddaughter.

Soon after the birth, Jolee was overwhelmed, and Margi, with the help of her extended family, raised Marlee until she was two.

“It was awesome to be with Marlee,” Margi said. “But I also had to let my daughter go.”

Jolee did return two years later and “they were inseparable after that,” said Margi about Jolee and Marlee.

Meanwhile, Josh had joined the Coast Guard as a rescue cutter swimmer. Later he got a helicopter pilot license. He also worked numerous jobs as a contractor, stand-up comedian, musician, writer and real estate agent.

Margi said she talked to her children every day and they visited often.

“They both had goofball humor, they were very witty, out of the box thinkers and very spiritual,” said Margi recalling their personalities.

Then in 2009, Marlee, who had diabetes type 1, died at age 17 – the same age her mother was when she was conceived. Two years later Jolee passed away from cancer. The pain like a sudden and devastating crack in the earth shook Margi to the core. She found solace in alcohol.

“The tragic part was that wine worked to numb my pain and because I didn’t properly address the grieving, my pain increased and my alcohol dose needed to increase,” she said.

After getting sober in 2011, Margi was ready to face her pain.

But just a year later the world seemed to crack and spin again under her feet. In 2013, Josh was killed in a motorcycle accident.

Margi had been sober for two years and the pain of losing Marlee and Jolee compounded as if she was experiencing all three deaths for the first time.

“Being sober gave me the opportunity to gather all the fragments of my grieving,” she said.

Just a few weeks ago, Margi made the journey to bury Josh’s ashes next to his sister and niece.

“It was the beginning of some closure,” said Margi. “Grace through necessity, but I am still angry at the Universe.”

She said the mistake she made when Jolee and Marlee died was asking the Universe, “Why?”

“That only leads to a path of pain … there is no answer,” said Margi.  “Life is to be experienced not to be understood.”

Looking ahead

Margi has two tattoos over each shoulder blade. One is a phoenix that was inspired by Josh, who said to his mother, “We are phoenixes rising out of the ashes,” after Jolee and Marlee died. The other is a whale, which represents motherhood protection, guidance and intuition.

Over her heart, she plans to get an “Om” sign and three birds flying away.

“The ‘Om’ represents oneness and the birds are my three kids whose spirits have expanded,” said Margi. “They have been freed.”