by Leslie Kelly
Special to the Sounder
It’s been four years since Lenore Bayuk’s mother passed away on Christmas Day. And each year, when the holidays roll around, she feels the same pain of grief and loss.
“In the beginning the grief is so intense,” she said. “It’s never finished. But the intensity lessens with time.”
Being a nurse, she’d been around life and death in her professional career. Her mother was 93 years old and she knew her time was coming. She had prepared herself for her death.
“It was a sweet passing,” she said. “There was no pain. And after she passed, my husband and I took a long walk.”
But she knows that for many who have lost a loved one near the holidays — or since the last holiday season — just the thought of joyous songs and cheerful Santas is too much to bear.
“What’s most important is to take care of yourself,” Bayuk said. “Don’t feel like you have to do all the things you usually do. Remember, it’s OK to say ‘no.'”
Many people fear having to do the same traditional things that they’ve done each year at the holidays, and that it will be just too difficult without the person who passed.
“Maybe Grandpa always carved the turkey,” she said. “And everyone’s worried about who’s going to do it this year.”
That’s where acknowledging the passing may be the thing to do, she said. “It’s OK to talk about the person who has passed and that you are missing them on this special day,” she said. “Ask family members how they want to set a new tradition and choose who will cut the turkey now.”
Beginning new traditions is important, but don’t try to pretend that the grief is over.
“When death happens, the relationship with that person doesn’t end,” she said. “It’s not about getting over it.”
One suggestion is to honor the person who has passed in a special way. That may be by lighting a candle to honor them, or placing a photo of them where the family is gathering. Create a memory box and have everyone write a memory of the person, share it and then place it in the box. Young children can draw pictures to be added to the box.
The first holiday after a death is difficult, Bayuk said. But preparing ahead of time can help. Talk with family members and decide what will make everyone feel more comfortable. And, in the case of those family members who don’t want to talk about the person who has passed, be patient and don’t try to force them to be a part of the discussion.
“Just support each other and try not to argue or fight,” she said.
For some people, meditation or journaling may help. Bayuk said after her mother passed, when there were times that she wanted to tell her mother something, she would journal it to her.
“Whatever makes you feel better is OK,” she said. “Remember to eat well and get enough rest. And have friends and family with you that are comfortable talking about your loss.”
Be aware that things will trigger memories, Bayuk said. It might be a seasonal song that the person who passed loved. Or it might be making those cookies that you’ve always made with mom.
“Is there a way to make those cookies to honor her,” Bayuk suggested.
Remember that you will feel sad, mad, and other emotions, she warned.
“Identify what works for you to manage those feelings,” she said. “Manage your stress with exercise or other ways of taking care of yourself.”
Overall, Bayuk said, find support, whether it’s friends or family, or getting involved with a grief support group, the senior center or a faith organization.
“Isolation only makes things worse,” she said.
