At first, the abuse she endured was subtle, nothing more than a few harsh words. Then it became violent. And then he turned his anger on their children. Without her own source of income and with an increasing feeling of shame, leaving didn’t seem like an option. She felt alienated from friends and family, completely alone, and desperate for a way out.

Domestic violence happens here, in the beautiful San Juans, every year. It’s a hard fact to face. It’s ugly, heartbreaking, and not an image that meshes with the idyllic lifestyle that many of us enjoy.

Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate: it impacts all income brackets, nationalities, education levels, and both genders. The incidence of abuse is more common in rural areas than in cities. Yes, this includes San Juan County. It’s not just a statistic – it’s people you know, pass on the street, and sit next to in PTA meetings. So why don’t we hear about it more often? Why doesn’t an abused friend come to you for help? Shame and embarrassment keep many men and women silent.

Of the men and women who abuse today, some are likely to have been abused as children, according to domestic violence statistics. While domestic violence does happen to adult men, the occurrence is drastically higher among women. For women who rely on their spouses for income and help with raising their children, breaking free is a daunting idea. And for men who were beaten as children, seeking treatment is deeply painful.

This is where domestic violence and sexual assault services play a vital role. The San Juans are fortunate to have well trained staff on all three major islands working to prevent and ease the burden of domestic violence. For the majority of victims, the only way they will leave a toxic situation is through the help of such organizations, who offer safe houses, counseling, and the means to start a new life.

Because the problem is about power or, more precisely, the control of power by those whose life experiences may have warped their ability to form healthy relationships, there are no winners in these situations. But while the perpetrators are obviously in need of professional help, a community’s first and most immediate concern must be the safety of the abused.

Domestic Violence Sexual Assault Services of the San Juans has two programs: one for victims of domestic violence and one for those who have experienced sexual assault.

Anita Castle, executive director of DVSAS, says they see two to three new clients each week. She admires the men who seek treatment.

“Most of the men I see come through our sexual assault program because they were sexually abused in childhood or adolescence. It is not uncommon that these clients also grew up in abusive homes. Actually, domestic violence in the home makes a child more vulnerable to being sexually abused. The men we treat carry a huge, huge burden and a lot of shame. Several of these men see themselves as abusers, and they finally come to a place of healing from their abusive childhoods.”

Castle says the mission of DVSAS is to teach people how to behave peacefully and in non-violent ways.

“I wish we were a non-violent society, but we’re just not,” she says.

When the pattern of domestic violence runs its course without interruption, it may end in homicide. Women and children are murdered by abusive partners every day.

According to the Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence, between January 1, 1997 and June 30, 2008, there were 635 domestic violence-related fatalities in the state. Domestic violence abusers or their associates killed 90 percent of those homicide victims.

“We have family violence here in the San Juans. There have been murders within families here, too,” said Castle.

We will never be able to erase domestic violence from society. Hurting one another seems to be in our genetic codes – or at least, it’s very ingrained in our culture. But we can break the cycle bit by bit, and it all begins with recognizing that there is a problem – an extremely dangerous problem that can ripple through our communities undetected. It’s not confined to the mainland. It’s here in our backyards.

The 24-hour domestic violence crisis hotlines are 376-1234 (Orcas), 378-2345 (San Juan), and 468-4567 (Lopez).